For many of us, the word “please” has been ingrained in our vocabulary from childhood as a staple of polite conversation. We were often told to “say the magic word,” and today’s parents even teach their babies to use it through sign language. However, a new study suggests that the magic of this word might be wearing off, with people using it far less often than we think.
Startling Statistics on the Use of ‘Please’
A groundbreaking study, published in Social Psychology Quarterly, has found that people only say “please” in 7% of their requests. This low figure spans all demographics, with the word rarely being used by people across age, gender, and social class. These surprising findings suggest that, despite our belief in the importance of saying “please,” its actual use in daily interactions is far less frequent than expected.
“We were certainly surprised by these results—everyone was,” says Dr. Tanya Stivers, a professor of sociology at UCLA and one of the lead authors of the study. “Having such a low number feels counterintuitive.”
This brings into question our understanding of politeness, especially when such an ingrained part of etiquette is found to be so rarely used. So, why exactly is “please” disappearing from everyday conversation?
Why People Say ‘Please’—Or Don’t
Dr. Stivers’ study revealed a pattern in the use of “please.” Interestingly, the research shows that people are more likely to say it when they expect a negative response to their request. It’s as if adding “please” is an attempt to soften the blow or persuade someone to agree to something they may not want to do.
The study also discovered that requests phrased with “please” are no more successful than other polite forms of asking. In some cases, using “please” even backfires, as it can come across as pushy or manipulative. Stivers explains, “We found that using ‘please’ often indicates that you’re requesting something you kinda shouldn’t be.”
Is ‘Please’ Becoming Rude?
Although “please” is widely regarded as a polite word, the study suggests that in certain contexts, it can have the opposite effect. The researchers noted that “please” is frequently used in situations where the person making the request knows it’s inconvenient or unwelcome. For example, interrupting a co-worker to ask for help or requesting a favor that the other person may not want to fulfill. In these scenarios, adding “please” can feel less like a courtesy and more like a way to override someone’s reluctance.
Dr. Stivers elaborates: “People tend to use ‘please’ when they know there might be a problem with their request, which can make the other person feel uneasy or coerced.”
The Decline of ‘Please’—A Societal Shift?
Before we mourn the loss of politeness in modern society, it’s important to note that this trend isn’t new. In fact, the researchers found that the low use of “please” dates back to at least the 1970s. This suggests that society’s relationship with the word has been changing for decades, perhaps reflecting broader shifts in how we communicate and express politeness.
Dr. Stivers also points out that many of us think we use “please” more than we actually do. “People often don’t remember exactly what they’ve said, and most people are surprised to find that they don’t say ‘please’ as much as they think,” she says.
However, this isn’t necessarily a cause for concern. The study highlights that there are many ways to be polite, even without saying “please.” Phrases such as “Would you mind…?” or “Could I ask…?” can be equally, if not more, polite.
Should We Still Teach Children to Say ‘Please’?
While the study raises questions about the effectiveness of “please,” it doesn’t mean that teaching children to use the word is a bad idea. On the contrary, teaching polite manners is still important. However, Dr. Stivers notes that as children grow older, they are likely to outgrow the habit of saying “please” as they adopt more nuanced forms of politeness.
“We teach children to say ‘please’ as part of socializing them to be polite, but as adults, we use other phrases to convey the same politeness,” Stivers explains. The study found that about 12% of requests made by children included “please,” a figure that drops significantly by adulthood.
Modern Politeness: Moving Beyond ‘Please’
So, is “please” truly becoming obsolete? Not entirely. The word can still be used politely, but the key is not to overuse it or rely on it in situations where it may come across as pushy. Dr. Stivers recommends that people focus on using other polite phrases, which often carry fewer negative connotations.
For example:
- “Would you mind helping me with this task?”
- “Could you assist me with this, if you have time?”
- “How about we finish this and then take a break?”
These phrases offer ways to make polite requests without the potential pitfalls of using “please” too often or in the wrong context.
The Bottom Line
Ultimately, the study shows that not saying “please” doesn’t make someone impolite, just as saying it doesn’t automatically guarantee politeness. The essence of good manners lies in the intent behind the words. Treating others with respect and kindness—regardless of the phrases used—is the real marker of politeness in modern communication.
